I am in a hospital right now, in case you haven't gathered that fact from the title. I believe I've mentioned it before, but regardless, my grandfather is in the hospital.
He has Leukemia-Lymphoma, which, in his case means that cancer has spread throughout his bone marrow. He is currently undergoing chemotherapy and has next to no immune system. As a diabetic, my grandfather already has a weak immune system, but these days, we have to wear masks and wash our hands thoroughly before going to see him.
Anyway, as a result of this, relatives I've never met (or heard of) in my life are popping up out of nowhere to say that they will "keep him in their prayers", and that "everything happens for a reason", and all this other crap nobody says until somebody dies.
The good news is, his doctor is optimistic that he'll get through chemo but obviously, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about my frustration with the phrases above. I suppose every time anything crappy happens this is the type of thing my family members spew, so I should be used to it, but no. I'm pissed.
Maybe I shouldn't be, cause I know they mean well. However, I can't help but think these "comforting" phrases are the most insensitive things you could ever say to someone, especially when it feels like the world is crumbling into a million pieces to them.
I'm taking the news pretty well, admittedly. I guess I accepted the fact that he would die someday long ago, but that's not the point. My dad isn't. Neither is my grandmother, or my brother. But instead of just being there for the grievers, and encouraging them, people feel compelled to toss around false promises and other religious crap.
It drives me up the overly-clean-hospital-walls when people say things like "everything happens for a reason". Because it's a big, giant LIE. They don't know that. They can't possibly know that!! No one can know that, so why don't they stop saying it?
Like I said, my grandmother isn't taking the news or the start of chemo very well, and all anyone says to her is "It's okay, God has a plan", and it infuriates me! My question is, are you really telling this person that her husband is dying for a reason? Are you telling her that when her husband's brain stops running and his organs give out, it's because some deity wanted them to? Because if you are, then are you also agreeing that God was right for giving him cancer in the first place?
What if there is no greater purpose? What if crappy things just happen, and people just die, and everything is completely random? What if life is like playing the lottery, and nobody really gets a say? What if God is just sitting up there in a hypothetical heaven playing the Sims with us all?
What really bothers me is how people, when they say these things, are trying to justify things they believe an all loving God allows to happen. I'm not going to justify anything, and I don't think they should either. I understand everyone must die at some point, but I don't understand everyone's need to assure people that its not as horrible as they think. Because it is. It's death.
I guess my point is that if you know someone who is hurting, don't attempt to justify everything bad that happens. Don't tell them their pain is for a greater purpose. Because its not, it's just life.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Don't Call Little Girls "Pretty"
Today, I think I'll start with a story.
Without going into too much detail, I just found out a week ago that my grandfather is dying. He has 3 months to live, supposedly, which isn't at all relevant to this post other than that it explains why all of a sudden my long lost relatives are popping up left and right. I don't remember half these people, considering I have not seen them in over a decade, so we had to spend a little while going through that awkward, "Oh, how you've grown! Do you have a boyfriend yet?" stage.
So a couple days ago, my great aunt and uncle came to visit. But when I went to my grandparents house the for the obligatory couple hours of small talk, the first thing my aunt commented on was how "pretty" I was. I don't know them well, so we couldn't really do the awkward hugging thing. They don't know me well, so I guess it was just a good conversation starter, whether it was true or not. So it got me thinking: is commenting on physical appearance doing more harm than good?
Think about it. How many times have you complimented a friend on new clothes, or a hair cut, or their manicure? How many times have you heard your relatives point out your appearance before you're even an arm's length away?
It makes sense, obviously. The first things humans notice is appearance. We use appearance to judge people's intentions, thoughts, moods. We notice changes. So when your friend comes up to you with a new haircut, you notice. They expect you to, and if you don't, they point it out. They want you to compliment them, because that is what society considers "polite".
We say these things so often that they have become instinct. You say it, even if you don't mean it. And in my eyes, it's pointless, and maybe even a little detrimental.
This mostly applies to little girls - you know, before puberty. My grandmother used to call me pretty all the time. Or I guess I should say, she used to comment on my appearance all the time. I don't remember her ever congratulating me on anything that actually mattered, though I'm sure she did. She probably called me after my 2nd grade awards ceremony, after my choir performances. But guess what? I don't remember any of that, because for her, it always seemed like my appearance was the most important thing about me.
I suppose it's not her fault, and I don't blame her, but the point is that those thing stick out in a child's mind. I remember one time specifically, when we were looking at pictures of me as a baby. I was around 8 at the time, and she was showing me a picture in which I was 18 months. I remember her giggling and pinching my arm, saying how chubby I was as a child. It pisses me off that I remember that. It pisses me off that I can't remember my kindergarten graduation, but I remember this, as well as all the other negative comments. The mole on my neck, my dirty hair (which was dirty because I was too busy doing all the things kids should do to wash it).
Not that it was always my grandmother, because it wasn't. My mom did it too - while trying on clothes, or shopping (gosh, I hated that), or by telling me I could never wear a strapless dress. Looking back, I wasn't overweight AT ALL. I was a skinny kid, and I still have a somewhat good metabolism. I am not complaining about my life by any means, because I had a good childhood, and these days I consider myself a very confident person. I'm just telling you how it was for me.
I know other girls went through this too, and I know they probably had it worse than I did, in most cases. But I'm getting off topic again. Obviously, you shouldn't make negative comments, but how can it harm a girl to tell her she's pretty?
Well, first of all, it doesn't mean anything. People throw around compliments all day long, and kids especially, are used to being admired. By dwelling on how "cute" they are, all you are doing is showing them that the first thing and most important thing people will notice about them is their physical appearance. Not their personality. Not how hardworking they are. NO. These things don't matter, as long as you're pretty, right?
On that note, it makes me want to strangle a kitten when I hear people say, "Oh, you're going to be so pretty one day." When a child hears that, what do you think it does? Do you think they take it as a compliment. NO. You are simply enforcing the idea that they are not good enough. But hey, they might be some day.
The crappiest thing of all is that those people who make all the little comments are not at fault. They are just fellow victims of our close minded, brainwashed society. Our environment is entirely to blame, and it makes me so MAD. I know it wasn't always like this. There wasn't always a bathroom scale behind everyone's toilet. Girls didn't always learn about how to lose weight before learning what sex was. People used to just eat when they were hungry. They used to have bacon with breakfast and cook with lard. They used to live.
What happened?
Society brainwashed us all. That's what happened. So now here we are, with anorexia, and heart disease, and God knows what else. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so what business do you have telling a girl whether she's beautiful or not? Let her enjoy the few years of bliss she will ever have. Don't you dare tell her she needs to lose weight. And think it through before you tell her she's pretty.
Without going into too much detail, I just found out a week ago that my grandfather is dying. He has 3 months to live, supposedly, which isn't at all relevant to this post other than that it explains why all of a sudden my long lost relatives are popping up left and right. I don't remember half these people, considering I have not seen them in over a decade, so we had to spend a little while going through that awkward, "Oh, how you've grown! Do you have a boyfriend yet?" stage.
So a couple days ago, my great aunt and uncle came to visit. But when I went to my grandparents house the for the obligatory couple hours of small talk, the first thing my aunt commented on was how "pretty" I was. I don't know them well, so we couldn't really do the awkward hugging thing. They don't know me well, so I guess it was just a good conversation starter, whether it was true or not. So it got me thinking: is commenting on physical appearance doing more harm than good?
Think about it. How many times have you complimented a friend on new clothes, or a hair cut, or their manicure? How many times have you heard your relatives point out your appearance before you're even an arm's length away?
It makes sense, obviously. The first things humans notice is appearance. We use appearance to judge people's intentions, thoughts, moods. We notice changes. So when your friend comes up to you with a new haircut, you notice. They expect you to, and if you don't, they point it out. They want you to compliment them, because that is what society considers "polite".
We say these things so often that they have become instinct. You say it, even if you don't mean it. And in my eyes, it's pointless, and maybe even a little detrimental.
This mostly applies to little girls - you know, before puberty. My grandmother used to call me pretty all the time. Or I guess I should say, she used to comment on my appearance all the time. I don't remember her ever congratulating me on anything that actually mattered, though I'm sure she did. She probably called me after my 2nd grade awards ceremony, after my choir performances. But guess what? I don't remember any of that, because for her, it always seemed like my appearance was the most important thing about me.
I suppose it's not her fault, and I don't blame her, but the point is that those thing stick out in a child's mind. I remember one time specifically, when we were looking at pictures of me as a baby. I was around 8 at the time, and she was showing me a picture in which I was 18 months. I remember her giggling and pinching my arm, saying how chubby I was as a child. It pisses me off that I remember that. It pisses me off that I can't remember my kindergarten graduation, but I remember this, as well as all the other negative comments. The mole on my neck, my dirty hair (which was dirty because I was too busy doing all the things kids should do to wash it).
Not that it was always my grandmother, because it wasn't. My mom did it too - while trying on clothes, or shopping (gosh, I hated that), or by telling me I could never wear a strapless dress. Looking back, I wasn't overweight AT ALL. I was a skinny kid, and I still have a somewhat good metabolism. I am not complaining about my life by any means, because I had a good childhood, and these days I consider myself a very confident person. I'm just telling you how it was for me.
I know other girls went through this too, and I know they probably had it worse than I did, in most cases. But I'm getting off topic again. Obviously, you shouldn't make negative comments, but how can it harm a girl to tell her she's pretty?
Well, first of all, it doesn't mean anything. People throw around compliments all day long, and kids especially, are used to being admired. By dwelling on how "cute" they are, all you are doing is showing them that the first thing and most important thing people will notice about them is their physical appearance. Not their personality. Not how hardworking they are. NO. These things don't matter, as long as you're pretty, right?
On that note, it makes me want to strangle a kitten when I hear people say, "Oh, you're going to be so pretty one day." When a child hears that, what do you think it does? Do you think they take it as a compliment. NO. You are simply enforcing the idea that they are not good enough. But hey, they might be some day.
The crappiest thing of all is that those people who make all the little comments are not at fault. They are just fellow victims of our close minded, brainwashed society. Our environment is entirely to blame, and it makes me so MAD. I know it wasn't always like this. There wasn't always a bathroom scale behind everyone's toilet. Girls didn't always learn about how to lose weight before learning what sex was. People used to just eat when they were hungry. They used to have bacon with breakfast and cook with lard. They used to live.
What happened?
Society brainwashed us all. That's what happened. So now here we are, with anorexia, and heart disease, and God knows what else. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so what business do you have telling a girl whether she's beautiful or not? Let her enjoy the few years of bliss she will ever have. Don't you dare tell her she needs to lose weight. And think it through before you tell her she's pretty.
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